I will be a Connector.
Why it's so hard, why most people fail, and why I will NOT!
Connecting people is hard.
I recently had an old friend, who I’ll call Alex, reach out and ask if I could connect him with a highly successful woman in the industry. I had mentioned her name the last time we chatted. “Thank you for offering to make the introduction,” Alex wrote.
Offering to make the introduction?? When did I do that?
Memory is selective, I reminded myself. I probably DID say that.
And so, I swallowed my discomfort, opened up my email, and began to write:
Hi Julia, I hope you’ve been well!
I wanted to introduce you to my fri…
I looked out the window. Why is this so hard?
It’s hard because Julia means something to me. My low-key, once-a-year-phone-catch-up-but-nonetheless-existent relationship with Julia means something. I respect her, look up to her. And this introduction could be a flop.
What if she thinks Alex is strange? Or doesn’t see what I see in him?
Or, worse yet, what if she looks him up and decides it’s not even worth her time?
What will she think of ME?
That maybe she’s perceived me the wrong way the whole time? That maybe I’m not worth her time?
I cut the story and remind myself, people are people. If Julia cares about me, one introduction is not going to change that, no matter what.
I think of all the old folks who’ve made introductions for me, introductions I surely didn’t deserve. People who’ve got connections galore, who’ve been around the block, who’ve “made it.” Half the introductions proved to be unhelpful, but I didn’t care. I felt lucky and grateful.
These people throw out intros like they’re nothing. They make it look easy.
How do they do that?
My first instinct — which I think is wrong — is that these people are different. Because these people have already “made it,” because they’ve reached a level I haven’t yet reached, they have the UNIQUE ability to do that. People will appreciate them no matter what.
Is that really true though? I mean, come on. What does it mean to “make it.” You could have been a hot NBA player from the ‘80s now teaching high school basketball. Does the grocery clerk look at you any different? (Ok, well maybe if you’re 6’ 6” and still have the body of a g-d but that’s beside the point)
The point is, what “level” you’re on is totally, completely relative. And therefore, it can’t explain why some people are just GOOD at making connections and others are not.
Instead, I think these, these CONNECTOR people understand three things most of us don’t:
The world runs on connections. Most new jobs come from introductions. Most new projects come from introductions. In business, a hell of a lot of transactions are powered by introductions.
Most connections are still completely “manual” - human to human. Not cold messages, not automated AI bullshit. One person contacting someone else. That’s it.
The benefit of a potentially successful introduction far exceeds the cost of a potentially useless introduction. In using these words I make the exchange sound more transactional than it needs to be; what I mean is that some introductions, probably a small percent of them, lead to a meaningful, enduring, and productive relationship, and others end immediately. While the latter may be more common, the former is worth SO much, even if it only occurs 1 in 10 times it may still be worthwhile.
Okay, maybe most of us “understand” these things. Especially 1 and 2.
But #3 is where the jewel lies. Connectors understand that the fear of an introduction going sour is usually greatly exaggerated in one’s mind. It’s an evolutionary remnant of tribalism, keeping your people close.
In The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell calls these people “Connectors:”
Connectors are people whom all of us can reach in only a few steps because, for one reason or another, they manage to occupy many different worlds and subcultures and niches
I’m not a huge Gladwell fan, I will admit. But I want to be a Connector.
I can’t stand people who name drop their connections, as if they’re open to make an introduction, but then never fall through. To me, that’s cowardly and immature.
I won’t be that. Instead:
I will not be afraid of making introductions.
If people don’t respect my introductions, I will not let it affect me.
I will be a connector.
I will go out of my way to help great people meet each-other.
I will not fret if those meets don’t go anywhere. Most of them won’t. That’s okay.
I will cherish the connections that sprout. I will live through them, and appreciate how powerful a small introduction can be.
I will be a CONNECTOR!